When Hiding Held Me Back: My Path to Being Myself on the Job

I’ve held many roles over the years; some where I felt I had to hide who I was, others where being myself was effortless. Today, I’ll share experiences from my first jobs to today at Relate Search: moments of fear, relief, growth, and the lessons learned along the way. My hope is that by reading my story, LGBTQIA+ professionals and allies alike will find insight and encouragement as they navigate authenticity at work.

Early Career & First Jobs

My very first job was in high school: retail work at a mall. Back then, I wasn’t brave enough to come out, so I stayed closeted through all three high-school jobs. I remember coworkers using “gay” or "queers" as a put-down after certain customers left. I’d retreat inward, worried my reactions would give me away. Even if nothing overtly targeted me, those microaggressions felt like warnings: better to stay hidden and keep my job safe.

After high school, I moved to Houston and took my first “real” job at a downtown law firm, working alongside my brother-in-law. Again, I kept my identity to myself. The fear of negative treatment or losing my position felt too real. Looking back, I see how that constant hiding drained energy I could’ve used to build skills or relationships. It taught me how stressful concealment can be, and how much more is possible when you don’t carry that extra weight.

‘Safe’ Environments & Never Having to Come Out

Fortunately, I later worked at places where being gay simply wasn’t an issue. One small law firm (just two attorneys) knew I was gay before I even interviewed; and they actively welcomed it, saying gay hires often bring organization, efficiency, and pride in their work. After eight years there, I couldn’t imagine having to hide again. From day one at a 30-person tech firm where my boss was also gay, I relaxed into who I was: not flaunting it but never hiding it. Casual mentions: correcting someone who assumed a girlfriend, simply and kindly just saying “boyfriend”, felt natural and unremarkable. The signal was clear: diversity was accepted, and policies and culture matched that openness.

What made those workplaces safe? Seeing others succeed openly was huge. Watching a close friend climb into leadership at a national recruiting firm signaled I could be myself. I noticed hiring practices, celebratory events, and leaders’ attitudes aligned with inclusion. Those cues: policies in an employee handbook, visible out colleagues, inclusive conversations, told me I wouldn’t have to shrink to belong.

Being Outed vs. Coming Out Voluntarily

In my life, I was outed personally before I was ready, when a family acquaintance revealed my identity to my mom. That had mixed effects: it forced a conversation with her sooner than I might have chosen and ultimately altered our relationship in ways we never fully healed before she passed. Professionally, being outed didn’t come up; my work life was separate. But it taught me that, even when you trust people, some may act out of their own insecurities. You can’t control that; only choose to be a positive light, remain authentic, and focus on the supportive network you build.

When I later chose to come out on my own terms at work, I’d simply mention my boyfriend casually. Preparation was minimal: I trusted the environment. The outcome? Relief and more genuine connections; people adjusted naturally, sometimes sharing their own stories or expressing support without fanfare.

Growth Over Time & Changing Comfort Levels

Today, being open at Relate Search is effortless. I work with longtime friends and colleagues who share a vision of inclusivity. Saying “my husband” isn’t a conscious choice; it’s just part of conversation. Early fears taught me what to look for: environments with real acceptance rather than token gestures. Over time, seeing others thrive authentically made me bolder and more at ease. Those formative experiences of hiding sharpened my appreciation for workplaces that celebrate diversity in action, not just in words.

Reactions & Support Systems

I recall two managers I explicitly told. Both responded well; often by signaling comfort (“Oh, my cousin is gay, too,”). While I don’t need them to share personal connections, that effort to show acceptance matters. If reactions were ever awkward, I let them pass; I focus on positive interactions and move on. My chosen family, my friends, my mentors; have been my backbone through challenges: offering advice, listening when I vented, and rallying around me during difficult times, both personally and professionally.

Intersection with Identity & Well-Being

Hiding identity drains mental energy. When I no longer had to conceal who I was, my well-being and productivity improved significantly. I could focus fully on work instead of constantly monitoring my behavior. I’ve noticed that being older and secure in my career made openness easier; younger LGBTQIA+ colleagues may face different pressures, but witnessing positive examples helps. When a workplace truly commits to inclusion, it not only supports one dimension of identity but creates an environment where people across different ages and roles feel valued and safe.

Organizational Culture & Practices

Policies that explicitly protect sexual orientation, even where laws don’t, send a strong message. ERGs matter, but they must feel authentic: I’ve seen companies treat Pride as a checkbox, outsourcing events instead of leveraging internal passion. Genuine inclusion shows when organizations involve employees directly in planning, listen to feedback, and maintain momentum beyond Pride Month. Leaders who normalize inclusive language, asking about everyone’s spouse with equal curiosity, create subtle yet powerful signals that people belong.

Advice & Lessons Learned

For LGBTQIA+ professionals hesitant to come out:

Only do so if you feel safe; if the environment feels risky, start researching companies known for genuine inclusion. You deserve a workplace where authenticity isn’t jeopardized.

Also, you don’t have to announce broadly at once. Begin by casually mentioning your partner in one-on-one chats or to a trusted peer; see how it’s received before wider sharing.

For managers/business leaders:

Pay attention in everyday interactions; ask about people’s lives without assumptions, if they’ve confided in you, privately check how much they wish to share with anyone else, and never accidentally out someone. Foster open dialogue and swift response to any hateful speech.

When designing benefits, workspace policies, or team norms, solicit feedback from diverse employees to ensure relevance.

For identifying allies/mentors:

I often check social media vibes or mutual connections to gauge support, but ultimately trust interpersonal instincts: spend time, listen, and watch how someone treats others. Avoid those who reveal small-mindedness early.

Allies don’t just say supportive things; they act on them; defending others in meetings, challenging biased jokes, or ensuring inclusive language.

Finally, mentorship is mutual. If someone shows openness, offer your own assistance or expertise in areas you excel; reciprocal relationships build trust.

Looking Ahead

Workplaces today are more welcoming than when I began 25 years ago, yet challenges remain. I hope younger colleagues experience even greater ease: seeing peers out and accepted makes it easier to “just mention it casually” when ready. SMBs can foster that by swiftly addressing hateful remarks, encouraging open conversations about current events, and embedding acceptance in daily culture. Being open shaped my personal growth by allowing me to bring my whole self to work; authenticity fuels your best contributions and as a result, will enhance your career trajectory.

One of my proudest aspects at Relate Search is our inclusive culture. Working alongside David Armendariz and Sara Luther, I help shape practices that support our team and guide clients to build diverse, welcoming workplaces. Together, we keep improving and modeling the inclusive environments we all deserve.

Sharing our authentic selves can feel risky, but each step toward openness enriches both individual well-being and organizational culture. I hope my experiences offer perspective: whether you’re still considering when or how to come out, or seeking ways to support others, small actions; authentic conversations, genuine policies, everyday allyship, create lasting impact. As we celebrate Pride, let’s commit to building workplaces where everyone can be themselves without hesitation.

If you have thoughts or stories of your own, I’d love to hear them. And if your SMB is looking to strengthen inclusion practices, reach out; Relate Search stands ready to partner on creating environments where every person thrives.